Well, it’s only 336 shopping days until Christmas. And every year I get started too late on my Worst Games of the Year list. So this time, I’m not procrastinating – in fact I’m getting the earliest possible start.
Here, in no particular order other than alphabetical, are my Ten Worst Games for 2008. Please note that I haven’t played a single one, what with them not having been released and all. I know hardly anything about some of them. But they’re all real games slated for a 2008 release. And they SUCK.
The Bourne Conspiracy (PS3, 360), High Moon Studios/Sierra
The only thing worse than a game based on a movie is a game based on an old movie (I’m looking at you, Scarface). The third and final Jason Bourne movie came out five months ago. And this game is slated for “summer,” which is game developer-speak means “Christmas.”
Butterfly Garden (360, PC), Autonomous/Microsoft
You hear a title like Butterfly Garden, and you PRAY it’s a Japanese title where 9th-grade orphan schoolgirls kill each other with their vagina dentata.
But no, it’s exactly what it sounds like – a sim about raising butterflies. I didn’t know anyone actually raised butterflies. If they want this game to sell, it should be Maggot Garden, where you raise maggots in a bunch of festering human corpses. Or maybe Cockroach Farmer, which would take place in a Manhattan condo.
Cricket Revolution (PC), Mindstorm
It’s not that I have a problem with a cricket-based sports game, per se. It’s that I have a problem with cricket itself.
If someone completely unfamiliar with baseball sat down and watched it, without any explanation, he or she would at least get the basic gist of the game in about 10 minutes.
But when I was in England, I sat in a pub and watched a cricket match for 45 minutes. And to this day I have no idea which team was which or what they were trying to do. It looked like the bastard child of croquet and badminton. Two games meant for young girls to play on your lawn.
Then again, croquet could make for a great game – if it was Dead or Alive Croquet.
Dr. Mario & Bacteria Extermination (Wii), Nintendo
Yeah, there’s a certain problem that Princess Peach forgot to mention. Perhaps the game is sponsored by Vagisil.
Hail to the Chimp (PS3, 360), Wideload/Gamecock
First of all, the developer and publisher’s names sound like a sexual fetish. Second, this is NOT a game making fun of the current US president. Which is too bad.
It’s a presidential election sim game featuring anthropomorphic animals. So, it’s got the action and excitement of C-SPAN combined with the sexual dysfunction of furries. I can’t wait.
Marvel Universe Online (PC Vista, 360), Cryptic/Microsoft
And this will be different from City of Heroes/Villains how? Oh yeah, no lawsuits.
Legendary: The Box (PC, PS3, 360), Spark/Gamecock
Another Japanese dating sim. No, not really. Just a terrible title, and a risqué one to boot. Legendary: The Box is hardly compelling; but I do hear Angelina Jolie has a legendary box.
Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball (360), Blazing Lizard/Gamecock
You just can’t use the word “gamecock” without creating a juvenile sexual reference. Also, the plural of “ninja” is “ninja.”
Here’s the problem with pirates versus ninja in dodgeball – the ninja would always win. The only advantage pirates have over ninja is firearms – without guns, they’re just a bunch of overdressed, rum-besotted buffoons. Arrrrr.
It’s like Mario versus Sonic – an unnerfed Sonic would always win. And who wants to play a nerfed ninja? Not me.
Sadness (Wii), Nibris
As described by the head of the Polish game developer Nibris, Piotr Orlovsky, “The scenario will have associations with narcolepsy, nyctophobia and paranoid schizophrenia.” Sounds like fun. The wiitards will love it.
Too Human (360), Silicon Knights/Microsoft
Oh right. Like this is gonna come out in 2008.
To be fair, here’s a list of the games I’m looking forward to:
Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures
Blood Bowl
Lego Indiana Jones: The Videogame
Mercenaries 2: World in Flames
Secret Agent Clank
Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning
One Comment
fuck you