Nintendo’s secret Wii controller patents

The Tubes are abuzz with speculation, over a series of alleged patent applications made by Nintendo that extend the functionality of the Wii Remote. The question is, what do these diagrams really represent?

I think I can make a few guesses.

This looks like a golf club — or a Jai Alai paddle. Or badminton. Or maybe something for Sepak Takraw. Or curling? Or perhaps it’s a spatula for the next Cooking Mama.

Clearly, this is for some kind of cuddling sim. Or it’s the enemy in a Stephen Colbert-themed game.

The new Power Glove? Or perhaps it shoots webbing.

This combines all the excitement of fishing with all the excitement of the Wii. May be used in hospitals as a sleep aid.

No, there’s no baseball game. This is for whacking your little brother when he bothers you during Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

For the older gamer — Wii Rocking Chair.

Apparently, the Wiimote by itself isn’t phallic enough.

Because M&M’s Kart Racing wasn’t realistic enough.

Interpreting this took a great deal of time and effort, but I think I have it. Bob “Happy Trees” Ross is holding a Wiimote-enhanced protractor, and is aiming it at an anthropomorphic television set that seeks to eat Bob’s 70’s era polyester suit.

This is for people who want everyone know they are a Wii fanboy douche.